When I got really frustrated, a friend bravely handed me just what I needed…
I was really prepared and in control
It was a beautiful summer day. A friend and I were hiking to a peak in the Laurentian mountains in Quebec.
I had been very focused in my preparations preparations for this backpacking weekend. After a few previous excursions, I had identified just the right pair of boots, the perfect hat, and the most compact way to pack everything. I had figured out when to arrive, and how long it would take to reach the campsite. I was in full control.
As we proceeded along the trail, I was walking in front. And I came to a place where the trail split. I thought I knew which way to go, but I wanted to confirm. I didn’t want to make a mistake. I didn’t want to waste time. So – I reach for my back pocket to pull out my map.
Then I was in sudden, intense frustration!
The map was there, but I couldn’t get it out. I tried and tried. I could grasp it in my fingers, but it would not come out of my pocket. This made no sense. The more I tried, the more confused I became. The confusion turned to frustration.
I started to curse. My frustration turned to anger. I was being obstructed by a piece of paper. All of my planning was being thwarted. I needed that map so I could stay on pace. Why was it being so stubborn?
My friend finally got my attention. When I swung around to face him, he was holding out a Granny Smith apple. He simply said, “Eat this.”
A brave gift of what I really needed
I was so stunned by this gesture, that I silently took my favourite kind of apple, and started to eat it.
The break and the distraction helped calm me down. And the food helped settle my energy as well.
When I finished the apple, I reached for the map again. This time, I noticed where the straps of my backpack were. With a simple lift of a strap, the map was freed.
I stared at it and shook my head as I reviewed my outburst. Then I thanked my friend for knowing what I needed and giving it to me. And I laughed out loud at myself.
I was blinded by efficiency
All my planning for the trip had me focusing on efficiently reaching the peak. My research had exposed me to what other hikers had done, which reinforced the universal goal of getting to the top. That was the measure for success. I wasn’t paying attention to my body’s signals that I was hungry. I wasn’t noticing the trees, or the animals, or the flowers. I was only looking for the next signpost.
Having eaten the apple and reviewed my map, I chose to stand still a while longer. I looked around. I looked to where we had come from. I saw how deep the valley was and how straight the river was, and how green the pine trees were. My friend caught sight of a yellow butterfly. And we both heard the wind rustling through the maple trees.
Redefining success
In that pause, I realized that I had already achieved success. I was surrounded by beauty. I was attuning to nature. I was sharing time with a good friend. It made no difference if we were at the peak or on that random stretch of trail.
I stopped measuring the day based on reaching the peak. I let myself measure it by the goals that were much more meaningful to me. It was because we were enjoying the day that we reached the top, not the other way around.
I learned that I could miss opportunities if I am too intent on achieving a goal in one specific way. Reaching the goal is a hollow reward if it isn’t combined with experiences from the journey itself.
I also learned that external metrics of success are always around me. Even on a mountainside. I need to take pauses, so I can check that my actions are aligned with my goals. Otherwise, inevitably I’ll get frustrated and confused, and wonder why things feel so hard.
Two reminders when frustration bubbles again
Now, when I feel frustration bubbling about something not going the way I need it to go, I try to remember that mountain and that apple. I remind myself to eat something. But I also remind myself that we can reach our goals many different ways, as long as we take care of ourselves and each other.
What might help you?
So here’s an exercise to strengthen your perspective muscle:
- Today, identify a goal that you are working on and ways that you might measure your success
- Then, list what might help you find perspective when you’re frustrated – like an apple, a walk, some music, a breathing exercise
- Through the week, notice when you feel anxious about a detail, and try something on your list
- At the end of the week, notice what was easy and what was hard, and how you feel about the goal.
