When you feel failure, what do you do about it?
A failure that clarified a weakness I wanted to strengthen
I know what a failure feels like that makes me recommit to a goal.
In high school, I LOVED physics, so when I got to university I signed up for the test that would let me take Advanced Physics.
I sat down in the exam room, and pulled the test out of the envelope that had my name on it. I tried the first question, and then the second question, and then the third… I scanned the rest of the test, did a gut check, and then put it back in the envelope and quietly left the room. As I returned the envelope at the desk, I acknowledged that I would be registering for Physics 100.
I had feelings associated with failure – embarrassment, disappointment. But overwhelmingly I had clarity about a weakness I was motivated to strengthen.
A failure that was just a simple screw up
I also know what a failure feels like that is just a plain old screw up. No deep lesson. Just shake my head and move on.
It was the very next day, after the Physics test.
I went to the Admin building for my 1pm appointment to meet my new advisor and sign up for classes.
When I walked in, everything was eerily quiet. My advisor heard my footsteps, came out of her office, and asked if I was Ann. Turns out, I misread my appointment time, and I was two hours late!
We managed to find some classes that still had space (including Physics 100.) Again, I had feelings of failure – but I knew that it was just a simple screw up, that in the end didn’t matter much.
A failure that was a growth opportunity
It’s the failures that are actually growth opportunities that can be tough to identify in the moment, and tough to stay motivated to muddle through.
Fast forward past graduation and into the working world, I was asked to interview for a two-year program that was rotating emerging leaders through various departments. The interview process was a full day. About an hour into it, much like the physics test, I knew that I really wasn’t ready for what they were describing, and I was feeling embarrassed.
If I decided it was a mistake, then I could politely leave.
If I decided it was a program I wanted, but wasn’t strong enough for yet, then I could start positioning for being part of a future cohort.
But what if it wasn’t either of those?
I was uncomfortable but also curious. I was meeting some interesting people and I liked getting to know the other candidates. And hey, there was free lunch! So I stayed, and stumbled my way through conversations.
I was not remotely surprised that I got the phone call that I was not offered a spot in the program. I was surprised, when she continued to say that one of the VPs did want to offer me an unposted role in his department – which was amazing!
The feelings are prompts to deal with the situation
Failure doesn’t feel good. But the feelings are the prompts for us to decide:
- Is this just a screw up?
- Or is this something I want to get better at?
- Or is this letting me grow in other ways?
Exercise for resilience through failure
Here’s an exercise to help you strengthen your resilience muscle:
- Today, try to list three times when you felt you were failing. (Maybe you remember a pit in your stomach, or talking to yourself, or a desire to run or hide.)
- Then for each, reflect on whether you treated it as:
- A simple screw up.
- A weakness you wanted to strengthen.
- A growth opportunity to something new.
- Every day this week, add a new example to the list – either from your past or that day. And consider how you categorized it.
- At the end of the week, notice any shifts in your relationship with failure.
