When I’m asking a lot of questions, you know I’m being supportive. Right?
Advice for thesis defense: Don’t get defensive (?)
As I was finishing graduate school, a friend gave me some advice. Going into the meeting that was literally called my ‘thesis defense’, she told me not to get defensive. And it was good advice.
I was facing three professors who were tasked with judging me. The layout of the room created a literal gap between us. When they spoke, they held a neutral tone. I had no direct cues that they had a positive reaction to my work. I felt no connection with them.
I had to regularly remind myself that they did want me to succeed, and they did want me to shine. It was the traditions and rituals of the process that were limiting their engagement to clinical questions. As long as I believed that they believed in me, it would all go well.
But that’s easier said than done when you get question after question. “Why did you choose this topic for your thesis?” “What are your sources?” “How do you explain these outliers in your data?”
Questions can feel like punches
But it’s not just in a thesis defense, when questions can feel like punches.
It can happen anytime that a friend or colleague shares a new idea.
My own default reaction to hearing a new idea, is to lead from my head and ask questions. In my curiosity to engage with it, I examine it from various angles, and figure out connections and possibilities. But not everyone thinks like me, and as the questions tumble out of me, I can easily forget to give enough clues that I’m supportive.
How else can I respond?
When I remember, I lead from my heart with an emotional reaction. It can be short, but really powerful. I then also try to reinforce a personal connection by confirming that I want to hear more, asking how I can help, and inquiring about what questions they are asking themselves.
Focusing on the other person more than on my desire for more information, gets me out of the thesis defense meeting, and into a collaborative environment.
Exercise for your support muscle
Here’s an exercise to help you strengthen your support muscle:
- Today, consider times when you’ve heard an initial idea, and remember how you reacted. Were you quizzical, dismissive, confused, worried, judgmental?
- Then pick a phrase to experiment with for the rest of the week, whenever you notice a similar situation. Perhaps it’s “You seem excited, how can I help?” or “That sounds cool, do you want to brainstorm something together?”
- Through the week, notice how often you use the phrase, and how the conversations go.
- At the end of the week, reflect on when it was easy and when it was hard to use the new phrase instead of your default reaction, and reflect on how supportive the conversation felt.
