When I say to you “I’m not sure what to do about this issue”, what’s your first reaction of how to respond?
My default “socractic” reaction
I’m a huge fan of the Socratic method.
As a manager, I frequently put in the time to teach someone how to reach an answer, so they could elevate their own skills. This though became my default reaction whenever I heard “I’m not sure what to do about this issue.” I would go right into teacher and problem solver mode.
Gradually I noticed that sometimes one or both of us didn’t have time or patience for that. So I adapted! I asked this clarifying question: “Is this a teaching moment or do you just want my answer?” That was a notable improvement, but in hindsight, I still wasn’t actively listening.
A reaction that isn’t teaching or solving?!
I’m not sure what to do about this issue.
That’s not actually a question. That’s not an invitation for me to solve anything. The key part might be about next steps. Or, it might be about lack of familiarity with the issue. Or, it might be about the discomfort of not being sure. Or something else entirely!
I had been assuming that I was always being asked to either solve or teach. I had not been actively listening to gauge if it was a time to simply acknowledge, empathize, or hold part of the burden.
These days, I try to react by simply saying – “tell me more.” And then I listen.
Exercise for Active Listening
So here’s an exercise to strengthen your active listening muscle:
- Every day this week, intentionally use the phrase “Tell me more.” Maybe it’s in a scheduled team meeting, or at a family meal. Or perhaps on a walk with a friend or in a direct message with a colleague.
- Find at least one moment every day. Use a sticky note, a string on your finger, a reminder set on your phone, whatever works!
- When you say “tell me more”, try to notice a few things:
- What might you have otherwise said or done?
- How do you feel while waiting for them to respond?
- At the end of the week, notice what was easy, what was hard, and what was surprising.
